


Everlong

by i_mperfect



Category: Pro Wrestling NOAH
Genre: Angst, Betrayal, Jealousy, M/M, Messy hook-ups, No Touching, Smut, Teasing, There has to be a plan, soft hair
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-06 17:22:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 19,989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26442637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_mperfect/pseuds/i_mperfect
Summary: My first fic b/c I have to process all the Axiz feels. Please be nice!A series of encounters between Katsu and Go. Set during N1 2020. Events following Kawasaki Go.
Relationships: Shiozaki Go/Nakajima Katsuhiko
Comments: 22
Kudos: 9





	1. I've waited here for you

The crunching of the gravel underfoot punctuated Go’s slow walk across the parking lot. Hood pulled up despite the morning sun already warming his back. The chance that anyone who would recognise him, either of them, would be here and watching at this moment was vanishingly small and yet he felt wary.

There were just six cars parked, all but one empty. He didn’t need to look up to know his approach was being watched. Under other circumstances he would have matched that stare but not now. This meeting would test his self-control enough without getting caught in that look. He concentrated on gripping the heat of the coffee cup in his hand, running over what he needed to say.

Go arrived alongside the car, pulling open the door and sliding into the passenger seat. Without turning his head he held out the coffee cup to the man he would have to describe as his former partner, feeling its weight lighten and those familiar fingertips brushing against his hand before he let go. He pulled the door closed behind him, exhaling some of the tension as he slid the hood from his head.

‘This isn’t my coffee’

‘I can’t go getting my ex-partner’s very specific coffee order just days after our public breakup’

‘They’d just think you miss the way I smell’. Go could hear the smirk in that statement.

_I do._ Go thought, not for the first time that day. He was suddenly very aware that the familiar smells and surroundings had already caused him to relax into his seat. It felt strange to be aware of what came so naturally. How long had it been since he questioned this?

‘Well, you know I don’t mind taking what’s yours’. A full-on grin there, Go was sure.

Katsu took a long sip of the still steaming coffee.

‘Mmm. Sweet.’

Katsu had known he would probably do most of the talking. Running his mouth wasn’t usually an issue but this felt strained. He had known things would change but held out some hope that at least in these private moments they could be less guarded. Did they really need to protect themselves from each other now? But then this was new to both of them. He pushed down the rising panic that he had caused permanent damage to something he knew he could not afford to lose. He turned to look at his partner. _Former partner, remember?_

Go’s blonde hair looked more unkempt than usual. His jawline was now heavily stubbled, not yet groomed into the short beard Katsu had always been quite fond of. He made a mental note to suggest that would be a welcome return. He knew Go well enough to recognise the slight clench in his jaw that signalled the discomfort he felt sitting in tight spaces for an extended period. Today it looked like more than that. Maybe.

‘The stubble was a nice touch’

Go turned his head at that, their eyes meeting properly for the first time since Katsu had loudly declared to a room full of people that their partnership had meant nothing. The corners of his mouth twitched into a smile. The one that looked almost shy, conspiratorial. A glimpse into some private humour you would give anything to understand. Not for the first time Katsu considered himself lucky that he did, at least this time, get the joke.

‘I knew it would be appreciated. I can’t let you win when it comes to appearances’ 

Katsu laughed. Mostly in relief that Go was still prepared to show him that smile.

‘I don’t recall you _letting_ me win on anything’

‘And I thought you considered that a charm point’

Go was definitely smiling now. _Thank you, yet again_ Katsu thought, grateful that he could count on his partner to always meet him halfway, even in this.

Smiling did not mean that this was not painful. Katsu was not so naïve or inexperienced with Go’s smiles to assume that. But it was a start, an understanding, not to mention something he had been desperately missing. Katsu considered it entirely possible that the ache in his chest that had been there ever since he’d taken that mic from Kenoh’s hands could be rapidly cured by those smiles. Especially if, like this one, they were just for him. He already felt lighter than he had done in days. Setting this meeting had definitely been the right choice.

Instinctively he reached out to brush Go’s hair back from falling into his eyes and then instantly regretted it as the smile dropped from Go’s face and he raised a hand defensively.

‘Kat-san, we agreed. No touching.’

Katsu felt a pang of self-loathing as he dropped his hand and turned to look forward. Knowing his sulking was doing him no favours did not stop him from pouting and silently burying his resentment in more sips of hot coffee. Yes, they had agreed. But the idea of disagreeing with a determined Shiozaki Go was something akin to shouting at a wall. Besides, this had been his idea. Negotiating his own terms would have been unreasonable and conditions like this seemed fair punishment for what he was putting Go through. Plus, worst of all, Go was absolutely right. It worked better this way. This frustration was useful. It sharpened him. He sighed loudly.

‘I don’t have to like it. At least here let me be a little bit honest’

‘Please Kat-san’

Go’s voice was almost a whisper. Maybe this was too much.

A heavy silence settled over the car, disturbed only by Go’s occasionally shifting in his seat, Katsu sipping his coffee.

Go studied his sulking partner, trying to steady his own resentment. Did Katsu think this was easy for him? To hear him tell the world that he wasn’t needed? To look him in the eyes and see only rejection? He knew Katsu was capable of maintaining a façade but it had still shaken him to see no hint of the man he knew staring back. No, that wasn’t true. There was still something familiar in those dark eyes. That dangerous streak that he also recognised in himself. Destructive, selfish, temptingly simplistic. Go had doubted their agreement in that instant. _What if..?_

And to top it off, he had looked achingly beautiful in betrayal, whilst Go was trapped playing the jilted lover. How was that fair? The sinister twist in Katsu’s appearance had only highlighted the softness of his curls, those lips… _No touching_. Go closed his eyes and rested his head back against the seat, counting his breaths, 2...3…4…5…

‘I’ll stop any time you ask’

Go’s eyes snapped open and he turned to glare at the man next to him. But his anger faded almost instantly. Katsu looked uncharacteristically nervous, his eyes intensely focused on reading Go’s response. It was worlds apart from the look he had given him in the ring just yesterday. There was the man he trusted. Still trusted. He wouldn’t have agreed to this otherwise. Almost in spite of himself, Go smiled.

‘I’ll never ask’

‘You’re so stubborn’

‘So are you’

Now they were both smiling. The air between them still feeling like a painful dead space but at least a distance that could be crossed again in time.

‘So..stage 2?’

‘Stage 2’

‘You trust me?’

‘I trust you’

_I have to…_


	2. Loneliness won't leave me alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A series of moments from opening weekend.

_Go_

He needed sleep. That was painfully obvious to anyone who looked closely enough. But the champion’s schedule before a tournament was always punishing, even more so when there are some things you simply can’t say. Certain names that won’t pass your lips.

It was not the night before that was the problem. They were used to sleeping apart for big tournaments, having learned early on in their relationship that nervous tension and physical proximity was not a restful combination, however appealing in other ways. It was the night before the night before and the possibility of all the nights after.

He needed sleep. What he didn’t need or couldn’t face was the silence that came before. The empty spaces so easily filled with doubt, with questions that only now seemed important. Even worse was the silence after, as his dreams proved themselves as insubstantial as his confidence that these moments would pass.

He needed something. Maybe it wasn’t sleep.

* * *

_Katsu_

He liked catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror now. It offered a helpful reminder of who he could be. Who he was. This was something he could excel at. But he always turned away quickly, lest his eyes drift to look behind him, to see the empty space where _he_ would have stood.

The path to being a champion was a lonely one so why look behind?

Let others keep their distance for now. He could show them some things.

* * *

_Go_

He hadn’t planned on watching the match. He knew them both better than anyone and was confident in the outcome. But then he had looked and couldn’t look away.

It was a mix of the familiar and unfamiliar. A new tension between them perhaps. Acknowledging that it was this very intensity that made them worthy challengers did not lessen the sting that, right now at least, someone else knew this Katsu better than he did or could.

He hadn’t prepared himself for what came after. What he had known would come but he wanted no part of. They had talked about this. That there would need to be a certain intimacy between the two of them. Seeing Katsu reach out, making contact with a tenderness and easily familiarity that suggested some deeper connection. He knew what that felt like. For a moment the floor felt less solid, the air thick. He saw them grip hands, the pull of Katsu’s arm a mix of offering support and respecting strength. It was enough. He walked away.

* * *

_Katsu_

After the cameras, everything faded into the background. Pulling off his boots and feeling the weight of exertion start to settle, he found his eyes wandered without his consideration, habitually looking for the one person he wanted to see him. Actually see him. 

Did he see?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it looks like this is going to be a series now. Ratings will be updated as we go. Thanks for sticking with me through the angst.


	3. I just called to tell you you're cute

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after N1 Tag 2. In which Katsu breaks the rules and Go has doubts.

It had been a while since seeing Katsu calling him had made his heart beat faster but here he was, rushing to answer.

> What’s wrong?
> 
> You look cute when you’re angry
> 
> …what?
> 
> Today. You looked cute all fired up. I’m sure everyone else thought so too.

Half relieved, half exasperated, Go took a deep breath and considered hanging up immediately. Of course, he was fine. Of course, he would find some way to push himself to the front of Go’s mind, as if he wasn’t there constantly. When he finally spoke, he was trying his hardest to make sure his voice didn’t betray either his relief or the warmth he felt hearing that voice again.

> Let me be sure I understand. I tell you to only call if it’s urgent and you call me to tell me I look cute?
> 
> You were worried.
> 
> Yes. Your actions are a frequent concern to me.
> 
> See, that’s cute too. I needed to tell you that. Urgently.
> 
> Kat-chan!
> 
> Ok, ok. I know. I do know Shio…it’s just..is it really so bad if we just talk?

Katsu’s voice faded off into silence.

Go sighed. He should be angry but..why was this man so good at getting what he wanted? No. Why did he want to give him whatever he wanted?

> You know why. It doesn’t work any other way. It’s not forever. Just…I can’t. Respect that.

However good it felt, and it did feel good to talk just between them again, Go could see this pattern. It wouldn’t end here. Katsu had a habit of pushing him, pushing anyone’s boundaries. Go didn’t dislike it. He could acknowledge that’s probably how they were even together. He’d found it admirable, even charming, how this person could push others to be more than they were, could push him to be something more.

But blurring the boundaries here…the energy to maintain this separation was enough when the rules were clear. He couldn’t give more and still be the person he needed to be right now. Could he?

Except they were already talking. And he missed this. Katsu’s easy teasing, his too earnest complements, the way he could hear the smile in his voice…

> But since you’re already ignoring my requests and you clearly have something to say..fine. Talk to me.
> 
> Can I tell you that you looked cute again?

Go snorted, a smile creeping onto his face despite himself. On the other end of the phone he heard Katsu audibly relax.

> Don’t get too comfortable, Kat-chan. I’m still mad at you.
> 
> Good. You can use that.
> 
> Oh, I have no problem getting fired up where you’re concerned.
> 
> My back knows about it. Thanks for that. Glad to see none of your passion for me has disappeared.
> 
> I hope that goes for you too.

He hadn’t meant to say that. Did he sound as insecure as he suddenly felt?

Katsu laughed.

What did that mean? This is why they shouldn’t do this. They communicated so much better when they could see each other, _touch each other._ Damnit.

> The problem really seems to be convincing people of my _lack_ of passion for you

Go’s heart ached at that. The hint of doubt in Katsu’s voice. He sounded…lost for a moment. But then, was it his job to help convince the world that what they had meant nothing?

Go felt instantly guilty. He’d thought enforced separation would protect both of them. Protect this idea they shared. But of course, this was difficult for Katsu too.

> You can be exceptionally persuasive when you want something. I should know.
> 
> Hmmm. That’s true. I have persuaded you into all sorts of things haven’t I?
> 
> Kat-chan!

Katsu laughed again. Lighter this time.

> Your faith in me is also very cute. Thank you.

The line went quiet. Go suddenly felt disoriented. When they stopped talking, who would they be to each other? It had taken a matter of days for him to get used to maintaining this distance between them. Difficult though it was, it was the certainty of it that helped him focus on other things. Could he build that up again so easily?

> Can I have faith that you won’t call me now?
> 
> You can have faith I will only call you if it’s urgent.
> 
> I shall have to try my best not to look cute then.
> 
> Yes. Save that for me won’t you?
> 
> Good night Kat-chan.

Go hung up without waiting for a response. Somehow he felt more goodbyes would just confuse him even more, if such a thing were possible.

______________________________________________________________________

Not a full day later Go’s finger hovered over the call button. Given he’d cut off their last conversation…but then hadn’t it been nice? This was what Katsu had wanted right? And he had sounded so lost…he pressed.

> Hey, what’s up?
> 
> I didn’t tell you that you look cute when you’re mad too.
> 
> Not now.
> 
> What?
> 
> I’ll call you back. Later.

Go could hear talking in the background. It sounded angry. And a familiar and somewhat distinctive voice…

> He’s there, isn’t he?
> 
> Yes. So later.
> 
> Where are you?

The line went dead. Go felt a cold, sick feeling settle in his stomach. He shouldn’t have called. Katsu was where he should be. He was the one out of place here. He typed out a message.

"I shouldn’t have called. Don’t call back. It’s not urgent."

He pressed send, then rubbed the back of his hand over his eyes, unconsciously trying to erase the image of those two together, their hands clasped, partners.


	4. My favourite mistake: Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so you came for the angst but maybe you'll stay for the smut ;)

_Go’s perspective._

He knew opening the door would be a mistake. The moments that followed were a flurry of lips, teeth and fumbling hands as they both reached to reclaim something in private that their public personas did not allow.

Go was furious. Furious with himself for answering the door. For acting entirely on instinct and actually _dragging_ Katsu inside. For being, for a second at least, _grateful_ he was there. And he was equally furious that he was here at all. For reasons that were probably also entirely his own fault. He’d called him after all. But still, how could he just show up here, hair still damp, gym bag in hand like this was _normal_. Could he not just honour their agreement? Could Katsu not see that this was breaking him?

And yet here he was, clearly frustrated, angry, desperate, one hand clawing at Go’s t-shirt whilst the other clutched his neck, pulling him into endless wet, hungry kisses that were doing an excellent job of quieting the rational part of Go’s brain.

This was not the loving reunion he so badly wanted. This was pain. And, right now, it felt incredible.

It made it easy to submit to Katsu roughly pulling up his t-shirt, to ignore the familiar twinge of pain in his shoulder as they collectively pulled it over his head and tossed it aside. Katsu’s hands were relentless, unsubtle, already palming at the front of his jeans and getting the reaction he so obviously wanted. That his body responded so easily, in spite of his anger, only made Go more frustrated.

He steered them back towards the wall, pressing his bodyweight against Katsu, who was doing a more than acceptable job of pushing back in all the right places, already nearly clawing into Go’s back and making low groans as their tongues collided messily. Using his shoulder to continue to pin Katsu under him, Go slid his hands upwards to tangle his fingers in those curls he loved so much. Pulling, first gently and then more insistently he encouraged Katsu’s head back, breaking their kiss. Their eyes locked briefly, with Go hoping he communicated both his displeasure and intense desire before he buried his head in Katsu’s neck, kissing, licking. Not bothering to hide how eager he was to taste what he wanted to believe was still only for him. He knew Katsu’s neck could be a weak point if only he found the right spot… and the clenching of Katsu’s hands, nails digging into his back, would suggest he still knew where to find it. He desperately wanted to pick this man apart. To feel some small sense of power over him now in private, when he’d given it all away in public. The feeling was intoxicating. The gasping in his ear, Katsu’s hands pulling at his clothes, the smell of his skin..the smell…

Go pushed back suddenly, his lip curling in disgust and leaving Katsu slumped against the wall.

‘How the hell is it you smell like him?’

Somewhere in the back of his mind, behind this haze of lust and frustration, Go knew he was being ridiculous. Nothing about how either of them had behaved in the last 5 minutes was a healthy way of processing their emotions. This was a distraction from dealing with the very real hurt he himself had signed up for. And yet he didn’t want to stop. If anything, right now he wanted it to hurt more.

Katsu narrowed his eyes, a dangerous glint hinting at the anger that danced just below the surface. Pushing off the wall, he advanced towards Go. His voice just loud enough to hear but laced with a resentment that surprised even him.

‘You implying something? We train together. And I showered. Can you only think about him or your stupid rules?! I’m what you should be thinking about. Your partner. The one you trust. ME.’

_I think about almost nothing else._

Yes, that hurt. Lost in the intensity of his own emotions and his inability to reconcile them with his desperate need to possess the man in front of him, Go could not will himself to say the words, only to stare back.

A flash of recognition passed over Katsu’s face, before his lips curled into that maddening smirk and he took a step forward. He came close enough that Go could feel the heat of his breath.

‘I think I remember how to get your attention’

He dropped to his knees and pulling roughly at Go’s belt.

Go lifted his head upwards, unable to unwilling to admit to himself that this was both the best and worst thing to happen to him in weeks. Closing his eyes, he felt the urgency of Katsu’s fingers fumbling with his belt, hands accidentally, deliberately, rubbing against his almost painful erection. To lose himself in this was so very tempting.

‘I don’t remember your belt being so damn awkward’

Frustrated, Go looked down, feeling a little thrill run through him at the sight of Katsu on his knees in front of him. He sighed, more for effect than anything. He knew from the dangerous glint in Katsu’s eyes and that slight smirk that this was a performance, that he wanted him to do this. In spite of himself, Go couldn’t deny he was always a very obliging partner. And he needed this now. So badly.

Go pulled at the catch on his belt, sliding it off from around his waist. He pulled open the buttons on his jeans, slowly, deliberately. Stepping forward slightly he put one hand on Katsu’s head, fingers dropping easily into those soft waves but with a firmness that kept him where he wanted him. His other hand eased his cock out of his boxer shorts and directly in front of Katsu’s lips, already swollen slightly from the urgency of their kissing. He couldn’t take his eyes off that sight. Katsu waiting, looking up at him, his eyes willing him to do what Go knew he now couldn’t stop himself from. He pulled Katsu’s head forward, watching him part his lips expectantly, still looking up at him with those dark and hungry eyes, a hint of self-satisfaction that Go had to admit was more than a little arousing. He found himself biting his lip as Katsu worked first his tongue, then his lips over him. Then that feeling became everything. Katsu’s mouth was hot and wet and he seemed absolutely determined to swallow him whole without hesitation. Go couldn’t stop himself from rocking his hips slightly, just with the motion of Katsu’s lips, now sliding noisily over him, drowning out his own gasping breaths. _How does he do this to me every time?_

Katsu slid his mouth off before Go could build up a rhythm, a little chuckle escaping his lips. He reached out his hands, positioning one on Go’s hip to steady himself, whilst the other wrapped firmly around Go’s hard and now very wet cock. He looked up again, his eyes tracing across Go’s face as he slowly, very deliberately, rubbed his hand up and down. Caught up in that stare, Go reached his hand out, tracing the edge of Katsu’s jaw, rubbing his thumb over his bottom lip, feeling him bite down, just a little. Before he could think he found himself speaking, his voice heavy, embarrassingly needy.

‘More’

He saw a flicker of something pass over Katsu’s face – triumph? Relief? – before feeling himself being steered back towards the wall, Katsu moving to his feet and kissing him again and again. If this was a battle, Go acknowledged he was losing, maybe as much to his own desires as to the man who inspired them. But he would deal with the consequences of that later, when this heady mix of frustration, anger and suppressed desire finally gave him space to think clearly.

Katsu pressed against up him, one hand still fumbling between their bodies, pressing his lips against Go’s neck, then his teeth pulling across Go’s skin. He was pulling Katsu closer, hands balled in his vest, desperate for more.

‘No marks’

Go found himself saying. The first vaguely sensible thought that had come to his mind since he’d pulled Katsu inside.

‘Relax. Enjoy it. We need this. I need this. _I need you’_

 _I need you?_ In one instant the rage that Go thought had passed in him flared up, threatening to overwhelm him. He pushed back, hard. Katsu stumbled backwards, off balance, almost tripping over himself.

To come here and say those words _now_? To use _those words_? What exactly did he need him for anyway?

‘Get out’

Go surprised himself with the anger that dripped off his words. He brought his hand to his face, steadying himself.

‘Shio..’

‘GET OUT. NOW.’

Go could feel himself shaking.

He barely heard the door slam as he slumped to the floor. And fuck, why was he still so hard?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry. I couldn't help myself. I hope someone enjoys this.


	5. My favourite mistake: part 2

_Katsu’s perspective_

He’d stormed 3 blocks before he realised he’d left his gym bag behind. He turned, stopping momentarily in the street before deciding it wasn’t worth it. Fuck it. He’d left more behind than that.

Yes, they had agreed to stay apart. But he hadn’t wanted it. Go knew that. And hadn’t Go been the one who had called him? Knowing what was at stake?! And yes, he’d gone there after hoping they would fuck. That somehow that would help maybe put them both back together. It had worked before. They just needed some reminder of how well they worked together. 

_Stupid. Stupid. Stupid._ Stupid for showing up. Stupid for thinking it could be like before. Stupid for opening his damn mouth.

But wasn’t it true? He did need him. Except…

Except he’d chosen to declare that as the reason for his betrayal of his loyal partner. And in doing so he had known that he was playing on Go’s worst fears. But it had to look real, believable. Go of all people should understand that. The best lies always contain a bit of the truth. And so he’d used the thing that had been the source of their arguments – Go’s fear that he would fade first, that Katsu could not rely on him and that one day he would no longer need such a partner. But they’d got past that, hadn’t they? Else why had Go agreed to this?

He hadn’t planned it this way. Had barely planned it at all really. He knew himself well enough to know that, when it came to it, he could easily tap into a certain darkness that would enable him to play this role perfectly. That’s why he’d suggested it. And Go had encouraged him. Had said he understood. Had given him permission to do whatever he needed to.

And hadn’t he been good at it? 

Ok, so he’d known the moment he’d said it in the ring it had been a mistake. Too much. Too close. Too perfect. He’d known he’d crossed a line. But then he had to, didn’t he? There was no point doing this if he wasn’t doing it as well as they both knew he could. Their partnership had never been based on holding anything back. That’s why they understood each other so well. Didn’t they?

And what was that about him smelling like Kenoh? That bastard should be so lucky.

Slowing down now, as he realised he’d been practically running to get away, he reached up to brush his hair from his face, suddenly recalling Go’s fingers there just minutes previously. A sickening mix of guilt, anger and frustratingly, the shadow of arousal, threatened to overwhelm him as he came to a standstill. What now?


	6. Shame

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set immediately after the events of chapter 5. Go is still very much frustrated.

Go was suddenly very aware of his state of undress, bare chested and flushed, with his jeans pulled open. He rubbed one hand against his chest, trying to erase the lingering feeling of Katsu’s fingers there. His heart was still racing, half in anger, half in arousal. And he was still very much aroused.

Glancing over at his t-shirt, discarded by the door, he saw Katsu’s gym bag just beyond it. Willing himself not to think about the thing he was about to do, lest he come to his senses, he found himself crawling towards it. Fingers tentative, he unzipped the bag, feeling inside for something familiar…a familiar scent, familiar touch. His fingers found Katsu’s gym shorts. The ones he’d watched him in so many times. More than just watched.

He blocked out his thoughts, pushing away the rising feeling of shame as he reached one inside his jeans to grasp his still hard cock and with the other, brought the shorts to his face. He inhaled, just a little, then more deeply as he frantically pumped his fist up and down. That familiar scent of sweat, distinctly Katsu’s, combined with the more recent memory of his lips sliding over Go’s cock, had him coming in moments, a strangled gasp escaping his lips as he spilled over his fingers and chest.

His frustration dealt with, Go felt suddenly empty and then almost immediately overwhelmed with guilt, with shame and the absolutely crushing fear that he had just pushed away the one person who might understand.

How had he become so paranoid?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wasn't sure about posting this one. But it's hot and confused and messed up and that's really where I am with all of this so...


	7. Far from the truest of hands

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 23rd September, Korakuen Hall

Katsu tried to not look surprised when his gym bag was waiting for him in the locker room at Korakuen. In his preferred spot. _Their_ preferred spot. Easier to ignore it for now. It wasn’t unusual for Go to be here early anyway.

He could do without the reminders though. Korakuen meant something for the two of them. And given that it certainly wasn’t spacious enough for two _former_ teammates to wholly ignore each other’s presence, today would have enough of that.

He picked up _both_ his bags and moved them, over to the dividing screen that split the room in half. They did this sometimes during tournaments. It made flow of people in and out a little easier. He tried not to think about the fact that it was extremely likely at some point that the only thing between him and Go would be this flimsy plastic screen. Maybe less.

But honestly, he was good at this. Good at leaving things behind. Good at being only what he needed to be at that moment. He enjoyed it. Go _carried things_. It had always confused and amazed him that he wouldn’t let things go and yet could still laugh so easily. Somehow, he found a way to carry such weight and use it, make it his.

He told himself that this was the reason why, when they passed in the hall, he couldn’t help trying to read Go’s face for the pain he was sure he was making him carry now. He was almost disappointed when he found nothing. No recognition he was even there.

As much as he’d always thought that together they made each other better, this was the first time he really considered the possibility that the opposite was also true. That apart, they could make each other worse. That by this performance and its enforced separation they were erasing the very things that made them who they were to each other.

It was easier to let the part of himself that cared about that fade into the background. Easier when he was winning anyway. Maybe that’s why this was weighing on him today. Nothing to do with the fact that last time they were here, things looked very different and there were other possibilities.

Later in the evening, out in the hall, standing and watching as the juniors were doing their best to cause yet more chaos, he was sure he could feel Go behind him, watching. Watching him maybe. More likely watching Kenoh standing next to him, a presence he was suddenly acutely aware of. It took all he had not to turn around. When he finally did turn back to finish his match preparations there was no one there anyway.

Everything moved slowly after his match. He knew he was holding up dinner plans but somehow was unable to leave yet. He could hear the crowd emptying out of the staircase, Go’s match finished, the night over. The locker rooms were nearly empty now but the hallways still crowded, noisy. He finished pulling on a clean t-shirt and sat down on the bench. For the first time, he suddenly felt like he could do the thing he had wanted to do since he arrived. He unzipped the bag. Inside his clothes were folded neatly, clean. Definitely not as he’d left them. Go had done this? He lifted them out, trying not to acknowledge the disappointment that there was nothing else there for him. His own things, fresh, cared for..but no special message. No hint of the feelings of the person he wanted to reach. 

He zipped up the bag. Sitting back and rested his head back against the wall. He closed his eyes. Amongst the noise of moving parts, conversations, tired but frantic energy, he tried to pick out the movements of one person. One person he knew, right now, should be just a few feet away.

It was impossible. Of course. No one could do that. No two people were ever that connected.

Except it usually worked, in a way. He swore he could remember times in this very room where all he could hear was Go’s breathing, his thudding heartbeat, the slight grimaces as he tried to adjust after a particularly painful encounter. Or his laughter and rapid speech as he rambled some nonsense. Or even the very rare times where they were alone for a few moments and he would press his forehead against Go’s and close his eyes. Hearing and feeling his breath, his warmth.

The ache he felt, longing for those simple intimacies came on him in a rush. The times he’d sat and unlaced Go’s boots without a word. The times when Go had run his fingers over a new scratch, tested a new bruise, tutting slightly. Even when he was the cause. Especially when he was the cause. Looking for understanding in those eyes as the rush of adrenalin passed and the tiredness set in. Finding it. Could he deserve that again?

‘Nakajima-San! Are you coming?’

He exhaled, unaware he’d been holding his breath. He opened his eyes. Pulling on his jacket and grabbing both bags in one hand, he stood up and walked out. He didn’t look back. He couldn’t carry those things with him. But he told himself he would be back.


	8. A matter of trust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He needed to see this through. Shying away from pain wasn’t really in his nature."
> 
> Go tries to move forward.

Things were going well. For both of them. According to plan. In all honesty Go hadn’t felt this driven for a while and it was showing. He could see it in the way people looked at him. The initial looks of pity had quickly turned into something else. Looks that reflected back his own determination. And he was sleeping now. Mostly. As much as he ever did anyway.

Recognising his jealousy for what it was had made it easier somehow. Made it possible to turn his obsessiveness to something else. To making sure things went as planned. To fulfilling his role as champion in a way he could be proud of. The way others would be proud of. A longstanding obsession but a compelling one.

And yes, what really helped was not being faced with the objects of his other obsessions in quite such close quarters and quite so frequently.

There were still moments. Moments that felt like they might break him. Korakuen had been hard. Seeing them standing together, desperately trying to avoid seeing. Made worse that morning by the perhaps entirely foreseeable circumstance of his phone offering a helpful reminder of where they were a year ago. When they were still a team, still champions, standing alongside Kaito and across the ring from a Kenoh still inflated with his tournament victory. Not that that was the reminder. A photo from the show, that evening, would have been easily dismissed. He had to look at pictures of Katsu on an almost daily basis as it was. He’d long gotten used to that. No, this was personal, private…a photo he had taken of Katsu sleeping. Sleeping in the bed they had shared. Well, pretending to sleep as it had turned out. Face relaxed, hair messy, lips slightly parted, a charmingly misleading aura of innocence. Wholly unguarded. And when he had opened his eyes after Go had taken the photo he hadn’t even teased him about it, just pulled him into the bed. This was the warm, soft, surprisingly tender Katsu he knew and missed desperately. He’d always loved that photo. Except now the sweetness of that memory shrunk away as his imagination went to darker places, wondering whether that warmth might be shared with someone else. He hated himself for the thought. The weakness it showed. But it made up his mind and confirmed that they needed, that _he needed_ to see this through. Shying away from pain wasn’t really in his nature.

In the aftermath of their disastrous last encounter Go had tried to unpick the anger, the jealousy, the hurt, with the ultimate conclusion that there was no conclusion. No obvious cure for the injuries they had inflicted on each other, no easy diagnosis of the impulses behind them. He had wanted to hurt and to be hurt, that much was true. Katsu had crossed several lines in words and actions but really, when hadn’t that been true? And some he’d wanted him to. Encouraged.

Finding themselves, a team again, would take time they didn’t have right now. And could he really stand in front of Katsu and admit that despite everything they had shared, had talked about, he doubted him? When he could see him again, really see him, then he’d know. He was sure of it. If he could really look into those eyes then…but not now. Neither of them had the time or space to carefully reconstruct both the real thing and the illusion. And right now, one had to take priority. So, in the absence of any other plan, there was still _the plan_. A commitment they had made. Maybe he wasn’t able to be Katsu’s partner in any other way right now, but this he could do. Would do.

There was no time to open himself up to the possibility that their messy last exchange might really have been their last. Or to indulge himself in remembered affections or promises. He had to believe in their connection. To believe in his partner. That was what it meant to trust. Right?


	9. No one can tell who we really are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Block finals, Korakuen. A moment of peace.

_Go’s perspective_

Go sat on the bench in the hallway, a bottle of water grasped tightly in his hand, his breath still coming in gasps. People hurried past but they were leaving him alone, at least for now. He could hear the crowd cheering Kaito, as they should be. He felt a small flicker of pride at that.

Now familiar footsteps that slowed as they came near. He looked up without thinking. He still wasn’t used to seeing him in all that red but he knew the face better than anyone’s. He held Katsu’s eye for just a moment. Then a small nod, barely perceptible to anyone watching but conveying a weight of purpose he hoped would be recognised, understood. Then he put his head down again, exhaling the tension he had been carrying. The footsteps moved on. They had done it. Enough for now. He could rest for a bit.

_Katsu’s perspective_

Seeing Go slumped over triggered something in him. He wanted nothing more than to rush over there, offer his shoulder and carry him away somewhere. Offer some protection or comfort. Like they used to. But he was getting better at this, tempering his reactions. His footsteps were steady, his face impassive. But still, he stopped. He needed to see. To know that Go was okay. Or, more selfishly, that they were.

When Go looked up he thought for just a second than his knees might buckle. For all Marufuji had kicked him in the head, this hit harder. But for the first time in days he was able to look back honestly, as himself. When a big part of your profession is comprised of meaningful glances he should have been better prepared for that intensity. But then Go always had been so very good at that. The slight nod gave him a sense of relief he hadn’t acknowledged he needed. He returned it without thinking. Respect, pride, gratitude, love...He hoped something got through.

The strength he needed to walk away then was immense, but it wasn’t just his at that moment. Even when Go had leaned on him so often, he’d never really been supporting him. They pushed against one another. That he was still prepared to do that even now…it was more than he’d dared hope for. He walked on.


	10. Take a look at me now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Katsu enjoys his new role but wants more

Katsu started the week of finals on a high. The plan, _his_ plan, was working beautifully. And it seemed to be benefitting both of them. To Katsu’s eyes Go looked more focused than he had done in some time, the shadows under his eyes lighter, his movements smoother. He enjoyed watching this Shiozaki, could see his emotions dancing dangerously close to the surface, easier to provoke. And the tension they were creating together, wasn’t that something special?

It irritated him that Go was still maintaining the distance they had planned for, even now when it was obvious that this was working. But watching from this position also had a certain appeal, especially when he knew the waiting was nearly over. And for himself, there was enough distraction basking in the attention owed him as challenger, traitor, eventual victor.

Being Nakajima Katsuhiko, the demon joker of Kongo, was starting to feel like a lot of fun. The level of emotional response he could now elicit – shock, fear, hurt, attraction, sometimes all of those - it was interesting. Very interesting.

And it felt good. Natural. These past few weeks had felt less like putting on a new coat and more like shedding an old skin. One that had become too tight and ill-fitting for his talents. He was more tune with his own physicality in a way that hadn’t felt possible for a while. This took far less from him than the practiced charm of revealing something, just not too much, of a private intimacy. Maintaining that line took an effort and sometimes negotiation that had been initially thrilling, amusing even, but mostly tedious. Not to mention that, even just as himself, he was inevitably performing in Go’s shadow. A choice he’d made easily but couldn’t consider anything other than temporary. His attraction to Go had at least some basis in competition, a rivalry perhaps. Axiz might have allowed them a way to channel those feelings, but they couldn’t go ignored for too long. It wasn’t good for either of them. That’s why they had faced each other before. Why they would again. 

It grated that Go hadn’t contacted him at all. Nothing. They had the time now and unfinished business. Surely by now they both deserved a little time for themselves? But Go would stick to his invented rules unless pushed. After all, it had taken some considerable effort to convince Go that his commitment to no relationships at work was doomed to failure, given how painfully obvious it was that their chemistry would not obey such simple rules. And as much as he wanted to respect Go’s decisions, it also worried him how dangerously oblivious he could be to his own needs sometimes. He needed someone who could shake him out of his stubbornness. 

It was a casual remark by Marufuji that really got to him, an offhand reference to Go showing little interest in their match at Korakuen. Go had not, according to Marufuji, watched any of Katsu’s matches that tournament, though he’d certainly watched others. If they truly were doing this together, didn’t he want to see what they had been working for? That Go was ignoring him, had not bothered to look at him now, at what he was capable of…it stung. He’d watched Go’s matches with the same mix of admiration and competitiveness he always had. Watched even more closely in fact, now he couldn’t be there at Go’s side to study his reactions first-hand. Yes, sometimes it hurt. But wasn’t that what they had signed up for?

But what use was resentment? It might not even be true anyway. Discounting the possibility that Marufuji was winding him up would just be naïve. In just a few days he could ask directly. And he wanted to believe that Go had his reasons. Good reasons. 

But nonetheless, he couldn’t quite let go of the idea that by the time they left Osaka he really should do something to make sure he had Go’s full attention. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you thought that the N1 final could kill my commitment to believing in a plan, you underestimated the lengths I'll go to for this delusion! A happy ending though...not promising that.


	11. What a wicked thing to do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Osaka nights are...interesting.

Osaka nights were..interesting. Filled with memories and old connections, they were at once familiar and strange, frequently hazy, never entirely predictable. At times like this, the city provided a very welcome distraction.

Go, not entirely subconsciously, had made sure that his seat was facing the bar that night. By the time that Katsu walked in, he was half convinced he might have willed him there just by thinking about it. Actually, Katsu's presence was entirely to be expected but several drinks without him there had turned Go’s initial relief into concern and then into something else. Something far more complicated. It wasn’t so much that he wanted to see him, though he did, it was more that he didn’t want to be imagining him somewhere else. And apparently alcohol was eroding his abilities to put that man out of his mind for even 5 minutes. 

Not that this was actually helping. Not with Kenoh also walking in alongside him, clearly having had a drink. Not with him taking a seat at the bar, directly in his line of sight. Not with him looking like…like _that._

He tried to register that Katsu had cut his hair with a detached observation that he wished he actually felt, rather than the suppressed desire to touch that was his reality. That shirt – was that one he had bought him?

He should be able to handle this easily. After all, most of the occupants of this bar, even this table, were connected by old rivalries, forgotten partnerships and dubious alliances. Feelings, real and imagined, accumulated over years. Perhaps it was just the lack of resolution at this point that made this feel different, so much..messier than he’d imagined. 

Satisfied that now at least he knew precisely where Katsu was for the night, he tried to return his attention to those around him. Company he’d also missed and was glad of. A much needed chance to relax.

But there was also something enticingly familiar about this situation. The many nights they had spent together but apart early on in their relationship, occasionally exchanging heated looks over half-finished drinks, telling themselves it was the alcohol that loosened their resistance to the inexorable pull that kept bringing them together. At the time it had also been painful, confusing for them both, as well as a loss of control he hadn’t then been truly ready for. But he had also enjoyed those days of stretching out the inevitability that the night would end in one or other of their hotel rooms, drunken, messy, indulgent but also so very perfect.

This bout of nostalgia had him looking over at the bar more than he’d like to admit. Looking for some indication that perhaps he wasn’t alone in this. But nothing about Katsu seemed to acknowledge Go’s presence. In fact he seemed fully absorbed in someone else’s. He felt a flicker of irritation at seeing him so obviously relaxed, apparently so secure in Kenoh’s company. _Did he really have to be pressed up so close to him? Did he have to make him laugh like that so obviously?_ He watched Katsu turn his body more towards Kenoh, surely unnecessarily, nodding enthusiastically, laughing. Go could feel himself clenching his fingers under the table. But before he could tear his eyes away, Katsu looked right at him. A glint in his eye, the hint of a challenge. _He’s doing this deliberately…_

Of course, it was deeply, deeply unfair. Cruel even. Not exactly out of character. But it was also an acknowledgement. It meant Katsu noticed him, still wanted something from him and still knew him well enough to know how to get it. Not so different from their former selves, still trying to test the other’s attraction, their limits. This alone was a form of connection he’d missed. And it was working. He wanted nothing more than to walk over there, grab Katsu by his shirt and drag him somewhere he could make him remember why they used to do this. Make him drop any pretence of teasing, of holding back. Make him remember who they were when they were together.

But he didn’t. And not just because it would have been quite the scene but because he’d had plenty of practice at playing this game, at testing Katsu’s self-restraint. Experience, as well as a flush of alcohol-inspired confidence, left him wanting to see just how far he could push now, when they were both already so on edge. And wanting what happened when they inevitably pushed each other too far.

Pretending he hadn’t caught the meaning in that stare, he turned back to the conversation he’d been having. When he was sure Katsu was no longer looking in his direction he reached for his phone, typing out a message under the table.

Really? Is that all you’ve got?

He watched as Katsu pulled his phone from his pocket and saw his lips turn up in a smirk that indicated he understood that his challenge had been accepted. Katsu looked up to meet his eyes again, a dangerous grin on his face. His stare had a different intensity this time, something darker, wilder and very very appealing.

Oh you know it’s not. Just watch me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh I think you can see where this is going. I'm all about the messy hook-ups.


	12. When I lose control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is a winner but neither Katsu or Go are prepared to totally concede victory. 
> 
> *explicit* 
> 
> I'm definitely going to hell but at least Katsu will be there ;)

As he closed his hotel room door behind him, Katsu was pretty certain he’d lost tonight’s secret contest by a considerable margin. Not that he really cared. Not when Go was no more than 5 minutes behind him. Maybe already in the elevator on his way here.

He had to admit that Go had been inspired tonight, ever the adaptable competitor. In years previous this would have been a night of accidental touches, long stares and suggestable conversation. And that he was very very good at. But their current circumstances did not allow for such physical closeness and demanded some level of subtlety, placing him at a considerable disadvantage. He was not helped by the fact that Kenoh seemed entirely oblivious to flirtation. Perhaps he had no schema for dealing with emotional entanglements with anyone not his boss or his junior. Or simply no room for another obsession. A shame really. He really could be quite cute when he smiled.

But Go. Go was masterful. It had been Go, standing close at the bar, his back to him and looking to all the world like he was completely ignoring his presence, simultaneously sending him progressively more explicit messages, that had finally broken his composure. He’d had to stand outside, letting the cold creep into him, before he regained the presence of mind to collect his coat and send Go a message with his room number. An invitation that both conceded victory and promised a fair reward.

He hadn’t even had a drink but he felt lightheaded, head swimming with the anticipation that finally, finally they could be together. What had started as wanting Go to notice him had swiftly become just wanting him. 

Katsu kicked off his shoes, pulled off his coat and was considering removing a lot more when he heard footsteps in the corridor, stopping outside. Lest he give Go any time to hesitate, think this over, he pulled open the door, gesturing inside.

Go walked in, hands in his coat pockets. A slight cockiness in the way he held himself that he’d more than earned the right to. Katsu closed the door, turned to face him.

There was perhaps a hand’s width between them, maybe the closest they had been all night. Katsu forced himself not to close the gap, instead meeting Go’s eyes, waiting for him to make his move. He was close enough to notice the scent of cold air on his clothes, the warmth of alcohol on his breath, but mostly it was the hunger in his eyes that drew him in. And behind that, he could see a different sort of need. He wavered on the edge of stepping forward, wanting to _feel him._ But Go moved first. He pulled his hand from his coat pocket, reaching up, his fingers just brushing against the ends of Katsu’s hair, then along his jaw, a slight pressure, holding him there, eyes scanning Katsu’s face and then leaning forward to kiss. It felt no less needy than the last time they had been alone but more certain, more confident. Go pressed his thumb against Katsu’s chin, holding his lips apart as he traced his tongue along them. Their kissing became deeper, a little messy, but still Go refused to close the gap between their bodies and Katsu, recognising this moment for what it was, happily submitted, keeping his hands at his side, his fingers balling into fists as he could feel the heat from this kiss spreading down through him. Go’s hand snaked around to the back of Katsu’s neck, pressing gently but firmly to keep him just there, then fingers playing with the edge of his shirt, the ends of his hair. By the time Go stepped forward, pressing their bodies together, Katsu was already starting to feel like he might collapse against him with the tension. Go’s other hand, now pressed against his hip, pulling him in, served to steady him and he reached his hands up, sliding them inside Go’s coat, under his clothes, desperate to feel skin under his fingers. Encouraged by the feel of Go groaning slightly into his mouth, he slid his hands upwards, trying to touch everywhere, pull him even closer.

When Go finally broke the kiss, they were both gasping slightly, hands tangled up with clothes, reaching for something. For a moment, they rested their foreheads together, searching for breath, unwilling to separate. Even with his eyes closed Katsu could feel Go smiling, felt that in his chest. And then Go pulled back slightly, made eye contact. A hint of amusement there as he spoke, grin creeping over his face.

Yeah, I’ve still got it.

Katsu snorted, rolling his eyes dramatically.

Please. We both know if I’d been able to get close to you, you’d be on your knees begging for me right now.

Well, you seem pretty close to me now and I had you practically humping my leg in less than 2 minutes. Maybe you’re off your game.

Or maybe I.. oh…

Katsu’s cocky response faded on his lips with the feeling of Go’s hand reaching between his legs, pressing very firmly into his rapidly growing erection. Go raised an eyebrow, daring a response. Katsu, for the first time in a while, decided he was better off keeping his mouth shut. He closed his eyes, unconsciously biting his lip. Waiting. He shivered as Go leant in, his breath hot on his neck, nuzzling his ear, rubbing against the front of his jeans, then whispering

Let me show you what else I can do

_Fuck._

Go stepped back, withdrew his hands, smirking slightly. Katsu opened his eyes, breathing out heavily.

Go began pulling off his coat, gesturing with his head towards the bed. Katsu ran his fingers through his hair, trying to regain some sense of self-control. He was pretty sure he was going to be the one on his knees begging before the night was over, but he should at least put up a reasonable defence. Or maybe not. He turned and walked towards the bed.

Clothes off, Kat-chan

He stopped, turning back to see Go, struggling slightly with removing his shoes but otherwise very much in control, his self-assured smile making it clear this wasn’t open to debate. Actually, Katsu didn’t mind. This was something he could definitely turn to his advantage. He made sure Go was looking at him, then, staring very intently back, slowly started to remove his shirt. Starting with the buttons on his cuffs, then at his neck, downwards, unbuttoning each one slowly, deliberately. By the time he started to slip it off his shoulders, he could see Go was struggling to keep up the eye contact, his eyes darting away, downwards, his lips parting, swallowing slightly. _Perfect._

He turned away from Go, unbuttoning his jeans as he did so, fully aware that Go would be standing there, watching him intently. By the time he kicked off his boxer shorts and stood, fully naked but back to his partner, he was pretty certain he’d tipped the balance of things very much in his favour. Without looking back, he climbed onto the bed, positioning himself sat upright at the head of the bed, legs spread, hands resting on his thighs and head leaning back slightly. What on some men might have looked like a position of exposure, of vulnerability, on him was aggressively sexual. There was no question that he was in control, fully aware of his own eroticism. The only hint that this was not a challenge but an invitation was the broad grin that he now turned on Go, standing at the foot of the bed and clearly relishing the enthusiasm with which Katsu had taken his instruction.

Go was taking his time, eyes roaming over Katsu’s body, making a warmth creep over him. As Go’s eyes trailed down to dark curls and his hardened cock, he could feel himself twitch slightly under the intensity of that gaze, a dark thrill running through him. He could see a smirk appear on the edge of Go’s lips at that, clearly recalling that Katsu always had got a thrill out of being watched. _Yes, you do this to me. Still._

Katsu was relieved when Go finally seemed to snap out of it and start pulling off his clothes. His movements certainly were nothing like the sensuality of his own, far more functional, but he appreciated the eagerness. And the view.

When Go, finally freed from his clothes, got on his hands and knees to crawl up the bed towards him, Katsu had to acknowledge that, despite his best efforts, Go was still very much the one in control here. It was even more evident in the way that Go straddled his thighs, pulling him in for an urgent kiss. Finally, he could touch him properly. Katsu didn’t waste any time, his hands roaming over Go’s thighs, down his spine, grasping his hips so he could grind his own upwards, closer. His own desperation would have surprised him if it wasn’t so obvious that Go was feeling this too, his tongue probing Katsu’s mouth as his hands seemed to be everywhere. In his hair, his neck, fingernails sliding down his chest, fingers pinching at his reddening nipples. This was not the coordinated seduction he had been expecting just moments before but damn it felt good. However deliberate or not, Go knew his body more than well enough to get the response he wanted. And after so long, should he really have expected that they could hold back?

Katsu tried to slow his hands, now very deliberately tracing them down Go’s spine, lower, to the curve of his ass, his fingers kneading to the enthusiastic response of Go groaning into his mouth and rolling his hips. Then a thought occurred to him that caused him to pause momentarily. Noticing his consternation, Go pulled back, questioning

What is it?

Katsu rolled his eyes up, his lips pressed tightly together.

I didn’t bring any lube

Go’s laughter did not help calm his frustration. But the kisses he started pressing to his neck, the softness of his fingers tracing down his chest..that was nice.

So, the great seducer is unprepared. How unexpected! Don’t worry. I have other ideas for you anyway.

Katsu was already feeling the loss of the previous moment’s urgency. A missed opportunity to release some of the tension he’d been holding in all night. However nice Go’s soft touches were, they weren’t giving him what he really wanted right now. He increased the pressure of his hands on Go’s hips, pulling him down, trying to create what friction he could manage from this position. He could feel Go resist slightly, clearly trying to slow him down. Katsu let some of his frustration creep into his voice, testing, provoking…

Go. You have been teasing me all night and you are so damn good at it, but can you just please just get on with it?

Go looked up at him, his expression darkening and his eyes flashing with intent. _Oh yes, that’s it._

Go grabbed at Katsu’s hips, pulling him down the bed so just his head and shoulders now rested against the pillows. Climbing off him, Go slid his hands down Katsu’s thighs, pushing them firmly apart as he settled himself kneeling upright between them. The feeling of exposure came with a slight touch of embarrassment but was not unwelcome, especially given the way that Go was looking at him. The way he continued looking as he brought the fingers of one hand to wrap around Katsu’s uncomfortably stiff cock, the other hand pressing on the inside of his thigh to keep his legs spread. Katsu felt himself hiss slightly at the intensity of that sensation, a sudden and very welcome tightness.

Is this what you want?

It wasn’t a real question. Nor did Go wait for an answer before sliding his hand up and down, rhythmically but deliberately slow. With his legs forced apart like this Katsu couldn’t even move his hips in response. It was so good. And nowhere near enough.

He found himself groaning, biting his lip in frustration and pushing his hips up, straining against the pressure of Go’s hand. His eyes moved between the smug look on Go’s face, the movements of his hand and the other very obvious indication that he was enjoying this. 

More?

 _Power tripping bastard._ He practically bared his teeth at that. Why was this so hot? Go’s hand slowed, his grip loosening. That was enough. Katsu reached out his own hand, wrapping it around Go’s and moving them both quickly, insistently. He didn’t care how desperate he looked. The look on Go’s face confirmed his decision. Yes, he was visibly annoyed. But more than that, Go was clearly as aroused by this as he was. Katsu felt Go remove his hand from his thigh and was even more gratified to see him stroking himself. _How is it I haven’t even touched him yet?_

For a few seconds all he could hear was their own ragged breathing, the rough sounds of hands moving. But, of course, there was no way Go wasn’t going to get what he wanted. And, temporarily satisfied that he could win him over, Katsu wasn’t really going to stop him. As he could feel Go’s hand resisting slightly under his own, he released them both, leaned his head back, expecting some sort of retribution for his lack of obedience. He was surprised then to feel the pressure of fingers quickly replaced by the wet heat of Go’s mouth sliding over him. _Please don’t tease me like this._

But that didn’t seem to be Go’s plan. If anything, he was trying to push him over the edge. His tongue licking insistently, hands gripping Katsu’s hips, the pressure of his mouth…then suddenly nothing. A strangled gasp escaped Katsu’s lips

Please…

But Go was just getting comfortable, laying himself down on the bed between Katsu’s thighs, weight resting on his elbows and face, lips, mouth so tantalisingly close. He looked up, a certain self-satisfaction on his lips, enjoying having won such a response. But, as Katsu was incredibly grateful for, he didn’t draw this out any longer. He went to work with a lustful enthusiasm and practiced skill that had Katsu balling his hands in the sheets, unable to control the lewd sounds coming from his mouth. He looked down, watching as Go worked his tongue from base to tip, bringing his hand up to join his lips, fingers getting wet as they gripped, slid over him. Even more than that, seeing Go spread out on the bed, wholly focused on him but also clearly grinding his own hips into the bed…this was even better than the many scenarios he had been playing in his mind for weeks now. He reached out his hand, somewhat tentatively, to rest in Go’s hair, rewarding by feeling a groan rising from Go’s throat, shuddering through him. Encouraged, he worked his fingers through his hair, pulling gently, guiding Go’s head, now sliding over him. He could feel a heat rising in him, impossible to stop, even if he wanted to. He was so close…he pulled slightly on Go’s hair

Go. Look at me.

Go’s eyes snapped upwards, looking right at him. He adjusted the angle of his head just slightly, maintaining eye contact as his hand milked Katsu’s orgasm from him, spilling into his mouth. Go’s eyes fluttered closed as he swallowed, tongue making sure nothing remained. _I’m so weak to that look_.

Katsu relaxed into the pleasant haze that accompanied his release, his breath slowing but somehow not fully satisfied, not yet. He watched as Go kneeled up, sitting back on his heels slowly, face flushed, lips swollen, desperately erotic. Despite his exhaustion, Katsu couldn’t help reaching out for him. And Go came to him, crawling between his legs, arms reaching, kissing him, wanting him, needing him maybe. It was almost too much, too perfect. He pulled back from their kiss, trying to read Go’s face, to give him whatever he wanted. He looked half undone, just emanating need, desire. A desire he could fulfil. The thought was thrilling.

Turn around.

There was no resistance in Go now. Katsu’s hands guided Go to face away from him, Go’s back pressed to his chest, lying between his legs where he could see, could touch him, finally. Go rested his head back, leaning heavy against Katsu’s shoulder, relaxing back even as Katsu’s hands began exploring, stroking down his body, his chest. Katsu didn’t wait. It was obvious that Go needed no teasing, no encouragement. His fingers reached around Go’s cock, feeling him swell and twitch into his hand. He kissed at Go’s neck, nibbling slightly on his ear, tasting his skin. He tried to drag this out, enjoy the view, feel Go pushing back against him, gasping against his shoulder, low moans escaping him..but this couldn’t last long. He felt Go’s muscles clenching underneath him, his hips pushing up against his hand, this stimulation, his body jerking slightly as he came in a rush, audibly swearing. _Damn that’s hot._

They both lay, breathing heavily, pressed together, finally having played out this game. Katsu looked down, admiring Go’s chest streaked, sticky with the efforts of his exertions. He could feel blood already rushing to his groin again at the thought. Kissing Go’s neck, softer this time, gentle touches of his lips, whispering, with a smirk

Seems I’ll have to get you into the shower…


	13. We couldn’t turn around ‘till we were upside down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set the morning of the N1 Victory final. 
> 
> Additional context: 
> 
> After Katsu won the N1 Victory tournament in Osaka, Go, as champion, came to the ring. Standing, draped over his trophy and crowing over his victory, Katsu’s response to Go, who remained silent: 
> 
> "What are you wearing the belt for to come here? The champion who goes in circles. It can't be helped, I am the strongest, and I will take your challenge!"
> 
> Credit to @Hi5ame for the translations. See https://puroprogramtranslations.blogspot.com/2020/10/noah-event-recap-n-1-victory-2020-noah.html for the full recap. I watched this sequence about 20 times before writing this and it got me every time.

Go stared at the ceiling, the grey edges of the room lit occasionally by the pulsing red light of the smoke detector. _What are we doing? What did I think..?_ Well, he hadn’t been thinking. That was the point really, the appeal of it all.

Thinking clearly around Katsu had been a recurrent problem for him. Sure, once he’d admitted to himself how he felt, once they had admitted it to each other, things became easier. When he’d realised just how much Katsu actually needed him, that he wasn’t alone in this, that helped. But if anyone could get inside his defences, make him feel exposed, it was the man lying asleep next to him. And right now, he felt not only exposed but raw, assaulted by real and imagined betrayals.

It had scared him at first, just how deeply Katsu loved and demanded to be loved. More so, how eagerly he found himself trying to meet that need. How easy it would be to think of nothing else.

That’s why he had resisted at first. And then, when that was impossible, he’d made rules to keep himself, keep them, in check. And he knew it wasn’t just him. They had both struggled to deal with an attraction, then a relationship, that left them simultaneously secure and utterly defenceless.

But where were those rules now? Clearly, he couldn’t trust himself around Katsu, or his thoughts not to turn to jealousy when he wasn’t around. And he couldn’t trust Katsu to stick to any rules, at least not when he showed the slightest chance of crumbling himself. And he’d certainly failed there.

This was probably just the consequence of too much alcohol, making him feel vulnerable. Overthinking.

He turned on his side, looking over at the curves of Katsu’s back, just discernible in the gloom of the early morning. At least Katsu was sleeping. He should have been in bed hours ago, resting ahead of tomorrow’s..no, today’s very significant match. But instead, Go had kept him at the bar, then awake here, then in the shower..and had never once considered what it might do to Katsu. Hadn’t cared. Yes, it had been intensely pleasurable. But then their physical compatibility had never been an issue…except perhaps when it made him behave like this. He’d been selfish, wrapped up in nostalgia, his need to win, to prove to himself that Katsu was still his. He shouldn’t have ever doubted it. Shouldn’t have indulged the worst of them both.

He reached out his hand, tentative, not wanting to wake him but needing to feel some connection. He ran his fingers along Katsu’s side, then tracing the arch of his shoulders, his back, pausing as his fingers felt the unevenness amongst the softness of his skin. Were those scratches? Ones left by him? His hand wavered, torn between pulling him close and pulling away.

He could feel the dull ache of a likely hangover on the periphery of his consciousness. His alcohol induced haze had lifted enough to take the shine off his memories. Yes, there had been sleepless nights, figuring out each other in deeply intimate ways. But there had also been misunderstandings, resentment, confusion, hurt. Why had he wanted this again? Was this where they were now? Was this who he was now? Some partner.

He dropped his hand to the bed and looked over to the blinking lights of the clock. Still early. He should leave now, before it got too late. Because in a few hours he’d have to stand in a ring with this man and play his part. And right now, he wasn’t quite sure he could recall what part he was playing any more. This wasn’t good for them. Not personally, not professionally.

What they needed was a conversation. A real one. Preferably one that didn’t start with anger or jealousy and conclude with some kind of sexual power play. Exactly the kind of conversation they were not having last night. The kind of conversation he was clearly not capable of right now.

Carefully, Go slid out of the bed, scrabbling on the floor to find his clothes, inevitably mixed up with Katsu’s. He was just starting to pull on his shoes when he heard Katsu, usually a heavy sleeper, stirring. _Shit._

He stilled his movements, holding his breath. Willing him back to sleep.

Go?

…

Katsu reached over, turning on the bedside light, bathing the room in a slightly unnatural orange light and revealing Go, crouched, avoiding looking up lest he see him vulnerable, confused, his fault...

I didn’t want to wake you.

Go cursed internally for sounding quite so cliché. But his instincts were suddenly very insistent that he needed to get out of this room now, before he would have to say something more meaningful. Perhaps actually articulate why it was he wanted so badly to get away from his partner, after having spent most of last night trying to get closer. And that was not something he felt in any way ready to explain, even to himself.

So, I wouldn’t have to see you sneaking out of my hotel room?

Katsu’s voice was still sleepy, otherwise he probably would have made more effort to hide the hurt in his voice, the disappointment. The anger was very much deliberate.

Go? Still making up the rules and leaving me behind?

Just anger now. Go looked up to see Katsu sitting upright, glaring over at him. He finished pulling on his shoe, stood upright, trying to force a smile. 

You need sleep. My being here is not helpful.

Don’t I get some say in that?

Of course. But this was my mistake, I’m trying to fix it. 

The words had slipped out of his mouth so easily. But now they were out he couldn’t deny them. He wasn’t proud of how he’d behaved. Jealous, selfish, controlling. Even less proud that, even now, he resented the fact that Katsu made him feel this way, and suspected that perhaps he enjoyed doing so. 

Mistake? This was a mistake to you?!

The hurt on Katsu’s face was undoubtably justified but he suddenly felt too tired to fight it. It occurred to him with some certainty that all he was capable of, all they were capable of, was causing each other more pain. That had always been true to an extent. His mind felt clouded, his feelings uncertain. Why wasn’t he speaking?

I should leave.

What was he doing? He should be walking over to him, wrapping his arms around him, telling him he could never consider this a mistake, telling him he still loved him, needed him..shouldn’t he? He stood, staring down at the floor, willing his body to respond. But…nothing. He felt heavy. Weighed with a guilt he couldn’t explain and a doubt he had been ignoring for weeks.

Leave now? Why now? Why not straight after? I mean you got what you wanted right? Funny how you stop paying attention to me, to what I want, the minute you have what you want.

Katsu’s anger rolled over him, each word digging into him, agonising, and yet…still nothing. He could think of nothing to say. No reasonable response. Maybe it was true.

That’s not…

Shut up Shio. You just go round in circles. You don’t know what you want!

…

I don’t know how I didn’t see it before. I’m just a distraction for you, aren’t I? A weakness to control. Well fuck you! Leave!

He felt every word, cutting through him, but the pain was also distant and almost…right?

He reached out, picking up his coat and turning to open the door, to leave. He felt strangely numb, every movement feeling like walking through water. As he stood in the corridor it occurred to him that not once last night had he told Katsu he loved him. Despite all that distance, that longing…And now, somehow, he just couldn’t.

_______________

When he walked out to the ring, just hours later, he honestly had no idea whether he was walking out to face a current or former partner. Every word, every gesture seemed so perfectly designed to cut him. Of course. No one knew him better. Why could he feel it now when his emotions had failed him so completely earlier? He had to close his eyes to avoid seeing the man he loved, yes, still loved, so beautiful but somehow twisted. A thing he allowed, encouraged, created. There must have been a better way to get to here. He should have found it. 


	14. Like kerosene on a flame of doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On anger

Go

Anger is a multi-faceted thing. Sometimes it feels like a raging heat, at other times like a cold blade. It can confuse and it can clarify. It can feel cleansing, righteous, pure or murky, corrupting, isolating. Sometimes it is all of those things. Go’s anger feels mostly like a shadow. It clings to him and he can’t distinguish whether he is the cause or if it is only a consequence of the light. But for days now he hasn’t been able to imagine life without it. He wraps it around himself like armour, as if it really might protect him from the agony of Katsu’s disdain. And when he finally sees him again, that shadow thickens, darkens, threads around him and it feels just like it’s supposed to. It’s not a pleasant feeling exactly but it’s raw and honest and alive. The last few months have felt like waiting, holding back from feeling too much lest he shatter into pieces. This brings those pieces together in perfect agreement. If Katsu thinks him fickle, he’ll show him otherwise.

Katsu

Katsu knew he should feel at least a little guilty for finally getting Go’s full attention but it feels too good to let a little regret spoil his fun. Because right there, in that look, even in the sting of Go’s hands, there was that connection. The thing that tied them together. Had always tied them together. The thing he’d spent so much of his life circulating around, sometimes chasing it, sometimes pushing it away. That fire he’d quite happily burn in, even now. Especially now. This was a dance he knew intimately. For a few minutes at least he could let his world narrow to the person in front of him. The only person who could do that. And if that felt like pain, well then it would feel like no pain he’d ever felt, and if it felt like anger, then maybe it would drive them both mad, but they were connected and Go would acknowledge how much this meant for both of them. He has to.


	15. Sympathy for the devil

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do Kenoh and Katsu have something in common?

Korakuen again. Katsu thinks that they are getting good at this. No loitering in the corridors, no trying to catch each other’s eye, no bouts of nostalgia. Just what they are here for. Just what he wants. Those 10-15 minutes where he can get his hands on Go, provoke him, challenge him, demand his attention and get it. For now, there is nothing else.

He’s getting better at pretending he wants nothing else too. At least he thinks he is, until he sees Kenoh raise an eyebrow at him whilst they wait to make their entrance.

> You might want to keep a tighter control on your obsessions. We don’t need them getting in the way.

He laughs. Kenoh smirks..or grimaces..actually he isn’t sure. He shrugs it off. Mostly.

The fact is he isn’t sure how much control he has right now. Pushed to the very edge of his consciousness is an awareness that it would actually take very little to push him too far right now and he’s not even sure what that would look like. He knows his actions in the ring are both considered provocations and allowing himself to be led by the well of emotion that has kept him going. And underneath that is the history between them. Years of familiarity in how they touch, the many ways that they know to hurt and protect each other, something that in other times he might have considered trust but now is not so sure. That history feels dangerous to him now. There’s a comfort in how easily they move together, a remembered intimacy that scares him in how easily it could overwhelm his other intentions. Is this about who breaks first? If even for a second Go were to respond to his obviously sexual aggression with anything other than blank anger, what would he do? When they are out there, together, he can lose himself a little, not consider the consequences. But it takes all his self-control after the match to stop himself recalling the scent of Go’s hair as he pressed against him, to not think of the heat of Go’s body underneath him. And it’s getting harder to push away. He wants, needs this to continue. If they can just be like this a little longer then he won’t have to think about what comes after.

__________________________________

When he sees Kenoh storming around the corridors after the match Katsu can’t help himself.

> What was that about obsessions not getting in your way?

For a second Kenoh glares at him but very quickly seems to get hold of himself and shakes his head and then, to Katsu’s complete shock, laughs and claps him on the arm.

> We should go for a drink.
> 
> …why?
> 
> There are things you need to hear about dealing with people who don’t realise they need you. Plus, you owe me for not punching you in the face after that ridiculous display of desperation in Osaka.

Katsu grins, hoping the smile will cover his surprise. _He did notice that then?_

Kenoh snorts, anticipating the question.

> Give me some credit. I know Go well enough to not be in his way unless I need to be. Nor have I ever particularly liked being stuck between the two of you in other circumstances. Come on. I’ll even pay.

Katsu studies Kenoh’s face, trying to discern what this might be about. They’ve been drinking before, sure, but they aren’t exactly friendly. But the offer seems genuine, even if he’s not convinced of the motivation. They are allies after all…And honestly, he’s curious.

__________________________________

Which is how he ends up in a bar trying to get drunk enough that he can actually bring himself to ask exactly what it is that Kenoh thinks he needs to know. As it is, they’ve done a very good job at talking about anything but their respective ‘obsessions’. On the right subjects, Kenoh is easy company. Amusing, charming even. And since he’d rather avoid replaying parts of tonight’s match in his head, this is a pleasant, if unexpected diversion.

Of course, he can’t help but want to push him, like he does almost anyone.

> So careless of you to let Inamura go like that though…

Kenoh’s eyes darken, his brow furrowing slightly

> He’s under no obligation to stay with Kongo. I’m more concerned with where he thinks he’s going. I accept he needs to grow. But if he thinks that will just happen…he doesn’t need to be surrounded by more naïve children. Too much talent wasted in this place.

Kenoh sighs, picking absent mindedly at a plate of pickles whilst he frowns.

Katsu waits. This is interesting.

Eventually Kenoh looks up from the table, studying him. He lowers his voice slightly, something between conspiratorial and threatening.

> You know the problem with this place..everyone has some..’vision’. No one has an actual plan. Except maybe you. You seem like a man who has a plan Nakajima-san. Care to enlighten me?
> 
> No.

Kenoh snorts, clearly amused.

> Fine. As long as our interests align. But I was serious about not getting lost in your obsessions. We make our own decisions in Kongo. That goes for Yoshiki and it goes for you too. You decided to join us, to join me. I don’t need to know the reasons but I need to be certain they won’t get in the way.
> 
> What do you think you know?

Kenoh sighs, looking down again.

> Not much. Nor am I interested in specifics. But I do know a thing or two about dealing with difficult people. And knowing when to pick your battles. I know you shouldn’t hold onto things that make you weaker if you don’t have a good reason.
> 
> You think Go makes me weaker?

The question leaves his mouth before he can think of what he might be giving away. _Stupid._

Kenoh purses his lips. Measuring his words.

> No. Actually I don’t. But I don’t think you’d mind if he did. And you don’t look like someone who is thinking with your head when you’re around him.
> 
> Not like what you see?

Kenoh rolls his eyes.

> Using sex as a diversion Nakajima-san? Not particularly original for you…Look, anyone can see it’s working. And that’s good. For now. But I’m interested in the long term…my point is, if you do have a plan and if it is your plan, then do it with some conviction. And know why.
> 
> How do you know my plan isn’t to get you drunk in a bar somewhere?
> 
> How do you know that isn’t my plan?

Katsu laughs. Genuinely, deeply and harder than he meant to. It feels good. And Kenoh looks pleased with himself, at least a little.

> Thank you for your concern.

Kenoh looks suddenly serious, every bit the exasperated leader.

> Don’t misunderstand me. My concern is for Kongo, not you personally. But I do think being with us is the right thing for you. And when you are done with…whatever exactly it is you are trying to do with Shiozaki, you might need us.

Katsu can’t deny that something about that makes sense to him, might even feel nice, something like acceptance. Not that he has any intention of indicating that to Kenoh, especially not when he’s looking as puffed up and serious as he does. Katsu grins, shrugs. Apparently, that satisfies Kenoh anyway because he seems to relax, nods and picks up his drink.

> Drink up. I’m going home. And so are you.
> 
> I thought you had some advice for me.
> 
> Advice? You can come to me for advice any time Nakajima-san but you’re going to have to offer me a bit more in return. Maybe next time? You can buy the drinks.

__________________________________

It occurs to Katsu as he walks away from the bar that he may have given away more than he intended. Being so focused on getting Go’s attention had made him forget that someone else was also watching. And you couldn’t discount Kenoh’s paranoia making him more observant than most. As much as he wants nothing more than to continue to lose himself in Go, Kenoh has a point. There will be an afterwards. And he wants to be ready.


	16. In time of darkness the light's distracting

Whose fault is it that moments from their match keep replaying in his mind? No, not just his mind, written on his body as well. The pressure of a hand around his wrist, the sudden sting from a pull on his hair, the heat and firmness of a knee pushing his legs apart, the weight of a body pressing him down. Is it his own weakness that he can’t shake these sensations? That he doesn’t really want to? Does Katsu have to be so…obvious? Attractive? Distracting?

Because Go is becoming increasingly convinced that it is a distraction, a deflection. One he’s not even sure Katsu is fully aware of.

And the things that really are replaying in his mind, at least when he has some conscious control over it, are not the moments when his body remembers those touches and wants to respond, or when he catches himself really, truly, wanting to hurt Katsu for making him feel this way. It’s the brief moments in between when he sees something else, a fleeting look of uncertainty, the brush of a hand that’s more gentle than it has any reason to be, the cracks that show that maybe, just maybe, this exaggerated performance is just that. Designed to provoke him, certainly, but perhaps not so certain in exactly what it means to provoke. And feeling his own response that comes, momentarily, not from a place of anger, but from a genuine recognition of need and his desire to meet that need. Part of him acknowledges that this too might be a trick. Katsu’s deliberate way of reaching beneath his anger to draw out something else that he can use against him. But he also dares to hope otherwise, to hope that he sees something no-one else sees. That they still want the same thing.

For now, that changes nothing. Even if he is right, he isn’t yet sure what he will do with that knowledge. Nor will his anger allow him to really accept it. And both his anger and his hope keep drawing him back to the same thing anyway, to that collection of moments, painful, thrilling, all consuming.


	17. Time for you to wake up: part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even big bad wolves have nightmares

Katsu wakes up gasping for breath, instinctively reaching for a light to bring himself back to this time and place. Not wherever he was in his head. He sits up, waking up to the feel of the cold sweat on his skin, the sound of his ragged breathing, the rustling of his sheets…and the sensation of panic, fading with the mundanity of his surroundings but still there, lingering. He presses his hand against his forehead, trying to recall and not recall the details of his nightmare. In the echoes of his dreams are thoughts of Go hurt, scared, needing him and of his own inability to act, trapped, distant. Some of this is familiar. Bits and pieces constructed from recent realities and long-suppressed fears. He exhales deeply, frustrated at his subconscious for constructing such an elaborate and painful trick, now of all times. He sleeps well usually. Well trained from years stealing sleep wherever he can and from often living without it. But perhaps this is a different sort of pressure now.

Feeling the discomfort of the sweat cooling on his skin, he pulls back the sheets, making for the bathroom. Leaning over the sink, he splashes cold water on his head and neck, looking up to see his face in the mirror. He looks more shaken than he wants to acknowledge. More tired too.

Squeezing his eyes closed he tries to erase the lingering images in his mind, some real, some imagined. The image of Go in pain, pale, not himself. The smell of hospital corridors. Those were real memories. As was the feeling of fear that accompanied them. And the guilt. And the anger. He’d tried not to admit it at the time but Go’s hospitalisation in the Spring had really shaken him. Images of Go unconscious, so defenceless, haunting his dreams for weeks. They spent their lives acknowledging yet not acknowledging the limits of their bodies, the possibility of real, life changing injury. The possibility that they could be the cause. A largely unspoken understanding they both respected. That their continued life together was shown to be so fragile by something so simple, outside of their control, outside of his control, had thrown everything into question for him.

Go had tried to resist Katsu’s presence at the hospital but for once he had insisted, overriding Go’s deep-seated discomfort with being seen to be vulnerable. It took some very creative persuasion to remind Go that he’d seen him far more vulnerable and intended to again. Even so, he’d been unable to be by his side as he’d wanted to, thanks to other commitments and Go’s stubborn insistence that he could manage alone. He hadn’t slept well then either, trying to keep up a façade in the daytime that he believed everything would be fine, was fine, when in fact he felt terrified. Angry at Go for not wanting him close, angry at himself for being needlessly concerned about someone he considered quite possibly the strongest person he knew. Especially when he felt few qualms about causing him physical pain himself. That’s where so much of this started in a way. A stupid, selfish thought. _I won’t let anyone, anything hurt you…except me._ Only fitting that he be tormented by those memories now. Especially in a bed too large and too empty for his anger to fill.

Katsu grips the edges of the sink, still willing away those feelings. Trying to recall the equilibrium he can maintain in the daylight.

Of course, Go was pushing himself almost immediately after surgery and he was fine, was always going to be fine. It was only weeks later when, out of nowhere, Go had apologised for making him worry, that he’d actually broken down, his fears and frustrations spilling from his mouth incoherently, followed by hot, wet tears he didn’t want. Go had just held him, saying only that he understood. And that had been enough. For a while.

His heartbeat steadies, breathing more even now. He glares at his reflection in the mirror, a half-hearted smirk on his lips that quickly curls into disgust. _Go would be stronger than this_. Shaking his head, he walks back to the bed, turns off the light and lies on his back, staring into the darkness. _Nightmares pass after all, don’t they?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm writing an epic now. Chapter title from Katsu's new theme. Part 2 coming v. soon!
> 
> Thanks so much for the comments btw. They mean so much! I am delighted that anyone is actually still reading this.


	18. Time for you to wake up: part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Go's dreams are of the more predictable variety

Go’s dreams are of the more predictable variety, given it’s been nearly 3 weeks since Osaka and Katsu has been excessively provocative whenever they are in any proximity. It makes him angry, yes, but it’s not ineffective at making him feel other things. The sort of things his subconscious appears to be storing up to torment him with the second he lets go. In the ring there’s anger and a focus, some kind of release for that frustration. Alone at night, well, it is becoming a problem.

Part of the reason it’s even possible to keep these thoughts pushed to the back of his mind during the day is that this isn’t their usual dynamic. Not that Katsu isn’t provocatively sexual, that’s hardly new, just that most of the time Go would be the one pulling his hair and pushing him down. To an enthusiastic response. But this new Katsu seemed to be finding something fulfilling in this, even if it was a performance. There were some subtle indications in the way Katsu moved, the way he felt against him. Things that felt familiar, inviting. He still suspected that this was an act designed to distract from the pain and the anger but at least part of that act was for him and him alone. A confidence in Katsu that was hardly lacking before that seemed to have found a new possibility for the way they worked together. And it was powerfully tempting. More than once he’d wondered what Katsu might do if he responded in kind. And apparently it was a question his subconscious was more than happy to help try to answer. In many different ways.

Apparently his subconscious is not put off by an audience or the possible embarrassment of being tied up, held down, exposed. Nor does he mind Katsu giving him very clear and explicit instructions of the ways that he could make them both feel a lot better. Sometimes he rebels, holding Katsu down as he tears off what little he’s wearing and fucks him into the canvas. Half the time Katsu is laughing at him for losing control so easily, which only seems to make it more thrilling. Sometimes everything just fades into the background, like they are alone again and it feels like he spends hours trying to fulfil whatever it is that Katsu wants of him.

Consciously he knows these aren’t even things he necessarily wants to do. As always, it’s Katsu finding new ways to test his boundaries, make him uncomfortable. Except not quite the same. Awake, the shift in this dynamic concerns him, making him worry there was something he’d missed all this time. Something he'd misunderstood. 

Most unfortunately the Katsu in his dreams is no more compliant than the real thing at this point, meaning he frequently wakes up writhing into his sheets, desperate and unfulfilled. Facing the choice of taking matters into his own hands at a time when he’d rather not remember how much he wants this man or taking a cold shower. Really, it’s no choice at all but having to acknowledge that this new version of Katsu, the one he’s supposed to hate, that seems to hate him, is apparently every bit as arousing as the one he knew intimately, is deeply confusing. He wants to tell himself it’s just sex. A natural reaction to _that_ behaviour. But then it never really was just sex with them. And they can’t keep doing this forever. He can’t keep doing this for much longer. This is going to end, either the way they planned it or not. And when it does, he’s hoping at least some of this might make a lot more sense.


	19. Pain has got it's reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Events at Shizuoka, Premium Prelude, Nov 3rd

Katsu

Something has changed. What it is, Katsu isn’t sure, but there’s something different in the way Go is holding himself. There’s a certain stiffness as he gets out of his seat, a tentativeness in the way he claps his hand around Yano’s shoulder. Katsu knows he’s looking too closely. He shouldn’t be looking at all. If things were different he wouldn’t need to. He’d know.

He knows it’s foolish but when he sees Go alone for a moment backstage during the show, arms already taped, rolling his shoulders slightly like a nervous twitch, he finds himself walking over.

You’re hurt.

The look Go gives him, real and present anger, laced with resentment, is almost enough to make him step backwards but he tries to look back, to at least try to convey that this isn’t a trick. He lowers his voice, leaning in slightly.

I don’t want to fight you like that.

Go’s anger seems to falter momentarily, and then he looks up and away, past him. His lips press together tightly, like perhaps he’s trying not to say something. Katsu waits, suddenly finding himself hoping for something…

Just play your part Katsuhiko.

Go brushes past him, not looking at him. And then suddenly they weren’t alone and Go was gone before he could question it.

Well, what else did he expect?

Then in the ring, Go’s eyes stalking him wherever he goes. That’s a call he can’t resist. Maybe things haven’t changed after all. He thinks nothing of pushing Kenoh back so that he can start things off, forgetting that such actions might have consequences. Kenoh yields anyway. But as he and Go finally touch, or don’t quite touch, Katsu’s suddenly certain he was right. Go is holding on to something, something he doesn’t want Katsu to see. _Hurt? An injury? A decision?_ There’s no less anger, no less violence, but that intimacy feels just out of reach. He wants it back. It seems to him like all Go wants from him is pain. There had been a sweetness in the pain of their past few meetings that felt like bringing Go back to him, back to a place they both understood. This is not it.

All he wants to do is push him away. So, he does. No tricks, no pulling him in. Just keeping him away. He doesn’t want to be in the ring with him like this. At least not until he knows what has changed. He finds himself repeatedly throwing Go down, pushing him away. Away from the ring, away from where he can hurt him. _Just stay down!_

But Go is there almost immediately, screaming at him. He’s screaming back, unable to stop even if he wanted to. What more will it take? He forgets himself. The rest of the match is a blur as his mind and his body moves between following his anger and trying to pull away from it. He does recall Kenoh there, standing next to him, apparently ready to help him to do whatever it is he needs to do to finish this now. And then it’s over. Go victorious and further away from him than he’s felt in weeks. There are still weeks to go. Katsu finds himself questioning if they might tear each other apart before they reach the end. 

Go

As Katsu walks towards him backstage, Go feels his heart race faster in spite of himself. Katsu has that look he gets when he’s figured something out. _Does he know I still dream about him? That I’m falling apart from sleeping alone?_ When Katsu dares to sound concerned on his behalf, he almost wishes his fears had been realised instead. _Please no, anything but that. Don’t make me think about needing you. I can’t do that yet._ He knows his response falls short of expressing what he really wants but anything more feels like it will break him. 

He hates how much this moment unsettles him. Hates that Katsu was right. He is hurt. He’s been hurt for months. But the last thing he wants, the last thing he needs now, is the sympathy of the man who has done almost nothing but cause hurt over the past few months. How could Katsu think that this physical pain was even slightly consequential in comparison to the things he has said? _How dare he try to be the one to decide what is enough. We made this decision together._

He’s not ready to give up this anger. Not the anger he feels towards Katsu, nor the anger he feels towards himself. It’s given him purpose, strength. And he has to be strong enough to take whatever Katsu can throw at him. Sometimes pain is necessary. And if Katsu needs reminding of that, then so be it. 


	20. A house full of thieves and liars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When he steps into the ring with Go there are really only two things he wants to know.

Korakuen is different. A sort of home. And Katsu has a soft spot for the places that can feel like home. It makes him more relaxed. That and the fact that he’s had time to do some thinking. Thinking about what he wants, what he needs. What they need.

When he steps into the ring with Go there are really only two things he wants to know _. Do you still want this? Do you still want me? _Whatever the answers, he’s prepared to live with it now. As far as he’s concerned, it takes just moments for him to be convinced that the answer to both is a very definite yes. Go’s eyes are focused solely on him and there’s no hint of doubt. It’s at once reassuring and maddening. _Does he never think of protecting himself?_ But Katsu is no longer concerned with specifics or motivations. Maybe Go only wants him for this. Maybe he’ll never get to go back to that particular home. But if this is what Go wants, then he can give it to him. Satisfied, and without actually touching Go, he steps out of the ring, letting Kenoh’s frustration take the stage for a while.

Watching Kenoh and Kaito fight is an interesting contrast to his own feelings. There’s something attractively simple about their anger. Both trying to make their point. One that has absolutely no chance of reaching the other person but still they try. There’s a respect in that at least, though Katsu hopes that his messages are getting through to Go somewhat more clearly. Looking across the ring he can see Go is only half watching them, still focusing on him. It gives him the last push he needs. As Kenoh and Kaito’s focused anger starts to turn into a brawl, he turns his attention fully to Go. There’s no need to hold anything back now. He attacks him. Not just like any opponent. Like one he knows well, intimately, with the full knowledge of how he moves, how he reacts and how he hurts. And Go meets him there. But it’s not enough.

Released from the pressure of trying to weigh up his decisions, feel out Go’s emotions, Katsu treats this like the tag match it is. It feels remarkably easy to have Kenoh as a partner. It’s nothing like being with Go. He can’t read him fully. But Kenoh is there when he needs to be and gets out of the way when he doesn’t. And, as Go usually has, Kenoh gives him the freedom to do as he wants. Katsu had expected some resentment after pushing him aside in their last tag match. But Kenoh had just shrugged “Seems like you need to get it out of your system”. In a very dangerous way, Kongo could also feel like home. Katsu suspected Kenoh was all too aware of this possibility. No doubt he had a plan too. But for now, this was working. Working well. 

When he finally held Go down for the count, he made sure he took time to gloat and make Go fully aware that Nakajima Katsuhiko, genius and former partner, was coming to take this belt from him, no reservations. He tried not to look down too long lest he be charmed, as he always was, by how pretty Go could look lying back, exhausted, his blonde hair falling back, daring him to touch. Nor did he want to see the pain, anger, resentment – anything he knows he deserves but cannot atone for right now. Now he has to be who he was meant to be, chose to be. Something only he can be. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a feeling I might be writing the conclusion to this fic through floods of tears but I'm glad you're along for the ride.


	21. There's a time that I remember, when I did not know pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a video Go has of Katsu

There’s a video Go has of Katsu. Actually, he has a lot of videos of Katsu, since he really does like the attention. But this one Go didn’t take himself. This one is a present. Something Katsu sent after their last IG live, suggesting he might need something to keep him company during what was to come. Katsu was right. Go thinks he must have watched it almost every night during those first couple of weeks.

As videos of Katsu go, it’s neither the most explicit in his possession nor the sweetest, but there’s something about it that makes Go feel weak when he recalls its existence, scrolling past to find an image or just recalling Katsu’s face.

It’s poorly shot, phone clearly propped up next to the bed, not quite revealing enough. Though from the motion of Katsu’s arms, the tension in his chest, head pressing back into the bed, eyes tightly closed, biting at his lip, it’s quite clear what is going on. The hitching of Katsu’s breath, the sounds of skin on skin, occasionally sharp exhales, all clearly audible. It doesn’t last long, Katsu groaning as he comes, what sounds like perhaps the whisper of Go’s name on his lips, the trembling of his shoulders relaxing into stillness.

What really makes it so compelling for Go though, is how Katsu turns his head to look into the camera, hair falling over his eyes, the hint of sweat glistening on his forehead. It’s the way he makes eye contact somehow through the lens, those dark, slightly dangerous looking eyes softening into something peaceful, a little smile tugging at the corner of Katsu’s mouth.

I love you Shio. Just remember that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this was more of a sidebar to the whole plot but I have to do something while I'm waiting for the weekend. I do feel bad that Go's chapters seem to get all the smut though! Don't worry, more heartbreak and angst to come...


	22. I get lost when I'm with you

Katsu is used to watching Go closely. Trying to read him, his movements, the subtleties of his expressions, the often-beautiful simplicity with which he seems to convey his feelings. Part of being partners, though he watched Go for a long time before that. Watching him now, he hates that he can no longer truly tell what is meant for him, if anything, and what is meant for an audience. Hates that he can no longer really tell what is Go, the determined champion, and his Shio, the no less stubborn man.

Katsu hates that he can’t be sure whether the grimace on Go’s face is the result of a real pain or an exaggerated one. Hates that Go gives him no indication to back off, no subtle hint of his limits. At least none that he can read. And he used to read him so well. Of course, Go is hurt. They all are. Constantly. But how hurt? Is he suffering? Is it serious? Will it last? Either Go is truly hurt or wants him to believe he is. Does Go expect him to know which? Is Go forcing him to watch as he destroys himself over this, only able to play along, as some sort of revenge for wanting what he has now? Go’s anger is real enough after all. That he is certain of. The possibilities torment him, even as he acknowledges how perfectly this tells the story they started. And how perfect a revenge it would be. 

There is something about the reaction of the crowds now. The way their eyes follow him, unable to look away. Seeing hints of resentment, curiosity, even anger in their stares. Though he rarely looks out, every attack on Go he hears the quiet gasps, can sense the building frustration, feels them hate him a little bit, love Go a little bit more. It fulfils a longing inside he’d tried to ignore but had never really gone away. That sense of fulfilment that comes from really being part of something, knowing that in some way they acknowledge him, need him now. And of course Go is part of that. Will always be part of that, whatever happens next. But at what cost?


	23. You've become the memory I can't erase

Go is hanging on. He tries not to acknowledge that is what this is but the fact of it continues to confront him daily.

He’s hanging on to being champion.

He’s barely hanging on to his physical condition.

He’s hanging on to anger, to pain.

He’s hanging on to a fear of losing control.

He’s hanging on to a promise he made months ago.

And he’s desperately clinging to a connection that, for a time, felt like the only real thing.

There are just days between him, between them, and the moment that Go feels like he has been waiting years for. An inevitability. He wants that moment to be now and he wants it to never arrive. Waiting is madness but afterwards…afterwards is just uncertainty. He’s already played out this day in his head a thousand times, imagined the moment when he looks up and sees Katsu across from him. An opponent, a traitor, a rival, a lover, a friend…everything, all of that and all the things he could still be afterwards. 

Every time he imagines it, there is one crucial detail missing. He can feel his own anger, hear and feel the anticipation of a crowd, smell the ropes, the canvas, the sweat, see the red swirl of Katsu’s robe as he casts it behind him, out of the ring. But he can’t see his face. Can’t see the subtleties of Katsu’s expression that he knows up close. Can’t read the eyes he must have spent hours staring into. That’s a mystery. A thing to fear more than any pain, any other conclusion.

Despite the pain of these few months, despite the anger he’s allowed to rule him and the needs he’s pushed aside for this moment, imaging what is to come brings a kind of peace. It’s one time he can allow himself the thought. _I wouldn’t do this with anyone else. I couldn’t. I’m glad it’s you._


	24. All in the suit that you wear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Press Conference 21 Nov
> 
> He doesn’t want to see Go. Not like this.

He doesn’t want to see Go. Not like this. The atmosphere is stifling. Too many people, too many lights, no real space, no privacy. It compounds the slight nagging headache he has from lost sleep and overthinking. Press conferences can be tedious at the best of times but crammed in together here in the office, just waiting…it’s unsettling, dull, unnecessary. The less he has opportunity to say at this point, the better. He’s said what he wanted to say. And perhaps some things he didn’t.

When he does see him, emerging from an office, jacket slung over his arm, not quite dressed yet in no way undressed, he looks away almost immediately. It’s a scene too close to something private he’d rather not trouble him now. Too many memories threatening to overwhelm his already tentative hold on the present moment.

Still, there are only so many distractions. It’s hard not to see Kotoge helping him with his jacket, smoothing down the shoulders, Go laughing at his exaggerated fussing. _That should be me. Was me._ Back in July Go had spent far too long unsuccessfully trying to remove cat hair from that very jacket. He’d had to force Go to stand still so he could help. _Why does he have to look so good?_ Katsu found himself pulling at the sleeves of his own jacket, trying to get comfortable. He knows he looks good. But at the back of his mind he also knows the reason he picked this to wear is because Go also has a certain affection for it. _Will you ever not be in my head?_

He wanders off, finds a seat where he can ignore what’s happening. The benefit of being an unlikable character – no one expects you to play along nicely. But really, he’d like to be playing along, standing with Kenoh, equally as relaxed in owning his frustrations. Taking the opportunity to see whether Go really can meet his eyes and if there is anything there except anger and stubborn determination. That’s what he should be doing. There are no more chances after this. But what would he even be trying to communicate to him? Sorry? The word rolls around his mind, unable to stick. It’s not enough. Nor is it accurate. Why does this sentimentality have to hit him, today of all days?

Then things get started, the cameras are on and he’s standing there, waiting. Go is just a couple of feet away, nothing between them, both staring anywhere but at each other. Katsu can feel the slight movement in the cheap flooring as Go shifts his weight between his feet. Can hear the occasional exaggerated exhales that are the sign that he’s unable to get comfortable. If things were different he’d be trying to distract him. Or just standing closer, a silent offer of support. Close enough that the back of their hands might touch accidentally, fingers lingering for a second. He can almost feel it now. And then it’s gone as someone comes between them, handing Go his belt, checking he’s ready.

Glancing to the side, he tries to observe Go, distracted now, with the detached appraisal that is more appropriate for this moment. But really it’s as much personal as professional when he concludes that he’s looking better. The relief is definitely personal. As is the slight nagging sense of guilt that follows when he remembers he’s here to change that. He looks away quickly, the thought coming that he wishes he could ignore. _He really is beautiful._

But then it’s their turn and somehow all the anger and resentment that makes this so easy just rises to the surface and he doesn’t even have to try. Doesn’t have to look over to know that his words are like so many tiny cuts in Go’s façade, pulling at the pretence that this is fine for both of them. As always, Go responds so perfectly, so in tune. Skating threateningly close to real pain, like a razor blade grazing against skin. He remembers why this is a game he wanted them to play, feels the pressure of his headache dissipate with the sharpened focus of being next to this man who somehow manages to illuminate all his shadows.

As they stand next to each other for the cameras, he’s surprised Go looks to him first. That feels more like the Go he knows. Suddenly it’s hard to maintain the slightly mocking challenge in his smile, as he feels the shadow of a genuine one creeping up on him. He sees Go recognise it, a sudden moment of understanding between them that brings a wave of confusion and frustration in its wake, both putting up their guard immediately. He has to be the one to walk away first, not looking back.

As he walks over to perch on the edge of a desk he sees Kenoh watching him, eyebrows raised, a decidedly unimpressed look on his face. He changes course and goes to stand next to him.

"Well, say it."

"You could look less pissed that your ex looks better than you in a suit."

"You could be less obviously jealous that your ‘little brother’ can get a date."

"Pretty boy looks don’t make a great champion Nakajima. You should know."

The unexpected but hardly out of character jibe from Kenoh forces a genuine laugh from him, dramatically lightening his mood. This sort of attack he can deal with. Kenoh huffs, stalking off elsewhere. He looks around, people moving furniture, cameras around, convening in huddled groups for discussion, no sign of Go. He catches a glimpse of him disappearing into the corridor, probably to the bathroom. He pushes down the urge to follow. To chase the faint possibility that Go might just consider this a last opportunity. He hopes it isn’t. But the thought of convincing Go that the tension between them would be best dealt with then and there is very tempting. He decides not to, in part, to maintain the illusion that, had he chosen to, Go might have agreed. Something to dwell on later.

It’s all a fantasy anyway. The only real thing left is what happens tomorrow. Only then can he start to construct what happens afterwards. He reaches to loosen his tie, feeling the pressure of his headache starting to creep back behind his eyes. Glancing over he sees Kenoh looking at him again. He nods. At least he’s not the only one with problems.


	25. Every time I thought I'd got it made, the taste was not so sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plans change.

Plans change. When you put them out in the world, like children they grow. They gain their own momentum, own purposes. Ones you’d never have imagined.

They pull them apart so quickly, pulling Go off him, away. An emptiness that’s as crushing as having him there. If Go said anything he didn’t hear it. He can’t see him, though he can still feel the warmth he left behind. He wants to look, to see for himself that he’s ok. That this is what he wants. But there’s no time and he can’t see. Kenoh is there instead, looking at him.

As he rolls out of the ring into the waiting arms of Kongo, Katsu wonders if it means something that Go tried to keep to the spirit of the plan, if not the letter of the execution. _Is he happy? Did I make him happy?_ The arms lifting him up are surprisingly gentle, tender, comforting. But then he’d known that all along.

The sounds of Kenoh shouting, moving on, shuts out anything else. He doesn’t have the energy to look up now. Nor does he need to in order to feel the subtle pull of the thread that ties them together, always has tied them together. Long before Axiz, long before he’d whispered ‘I love you’ to a sleeping Go is his hotel bed. That thread is looser now perhaps, but he’s sure it’s still there. In spite of everything, it’s still there. In some ways the past few years have been a dream. A miracle that he got to be so close, that they could put aside other things for so long. He’d do it again. All of it.

They carry him away, following Kenoh. Kenoh who is still champion. The tears that follow are frustration, anger, exhaustion, sadness. A letting go. And an aching loss he’s only now allowing himself to feel, tempered by the strange comfort that distance is not disconnection.

But there are so many more dreams left. He knows what it’s like to have nothing. And he’s so much better now. So much more complete. And he has a home, of sorts. When tomorrow comes he’ll pick himself up and begin the process of taking back what he deserves. This was never about trading one dream for another. Neither of them were ever good at compromise. All their dreams matter. It’s up to them to figure out how to live with the consequences of each. And to keep trying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The story isn't over. But this part is. 
> 
> I needed closure. But I expect a sequel.

**Author's Note:**

> So basically I need to believe there is a plan and it's all going to be ok. Yes I'm coping.


End file.
